Being Vulnerable.

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I have been maintaining this blog since 2007, and the last time that I wrote about vulnerability was in 2010. Yet, even in rereading that post from long ago, I see all of the areas in which I have continued to expand and learn about vulnerability. In the past, I have always used the words, such as openness, honesty and availability, but not really lived them fully. At the first sign of difficulty or struggle, I would shut off, just like a light switch, or run and hide. I am not certain of the origin of this way to cope, and it doesn’t really matter. But over time, it was no longer even immediately effective and in the long run, did damage to myself and to others.

I am in no way condemning my learning around vulnerability; I am so grateful for every single way in which I have been receiving the lessons around it. And, I love being able to look back at the progress I have made to encourage me to keep opening, bit by bit.

Today, I stand in Life more vulnerable than ever before. I say things that are difficult but necessary; I show up as my authentic self, in all areas of Life most of the time. Yet, I still get scared sometimes. Scared to be rejected, scared to look weird or different, scared to not know what may happen.

Yet, I know that is all part of it. Every thing that happens that feels like pain, or hurt, helps me to learn and to grow. And, reminds me of the fleeting nature of Life, and how being grateful for all that Life brings is what helps me to sustain and to keep my heart open. When I feel pain inside of myself, I do my best to just allow it to be there, without having to blame someone or something for it, or telling the story in my head and to others over and over again. Just let it be, and it passes.

Of course, I will continue to learn what vulnerability really means the more days that I am here. And I look forward to every lesson.

Happiness is not the goal.

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For quite a few years now, I have been seeking, studying, and trying to remember what the truth of life is, the meaning and purpose. What am I here for? Even though I am learning more and more each day, how the path that I walk is an internal process and journey, I still seek things outside of myself to satisfy my expectations, to assure me of a certain outcome, or to feel good. I have often been looking for my happiness.

I don’t have anything against being a happy person. For the majority of my life, I have been what someone would describe as a happy, upbeat person. Most of the time, that felt like a genuine experience. And some of the time, I was masking any pain that I was carrying inside. I believed until relatively recently that happiness was indeed the goal. Work hard and do your best to live and maintain a happy life.

However, I have discovered what I believe to be the ultimate truth is: happiness is not it. Happiness relies on the outer world, meaning, anything outside of us, to satisfy us in some way. Get the new car. Buy a house. Get married. Have a family. I have looked to all of these outside circumstances to satisfy me and make me happy. As with all humans in my belief, I have been taught that happiness and life satisfaction comes from what we acquire, whether it be belongings or relationships.

The most recent period of life for me has had me looking at this quite differently. Not only am I more focused on my internal experience, which reminds me of my true nature. It also has taught me each day that my primary goal, in order to feel most balanced and part of all, is Peace. For me, peace is essential, and the days that I don’t remember as often, I suffer deeply. How do I maintain it? I read. I write. I create. I return to breath over and over again, to remind me that the present is all there ever is. I get out in nature.

I also worry, and focus on a deadline, or don’t want to get out of bed, or feel discouraged and overwhelmed. I am human, after all. But I always know how to get back, how to remember who I Am, who you Are, and return to that quiet, still space that is my inherent Beingness and is always waiting for me. And you.

Peace is the goal. Peace is the way. Peace is here for us All.

My relationship with alcohol.

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Alcohol and I have been doing this romantic, entitled, dysfunctional dance for most of my adult life. I have been an adolescent who loved that initiation into drinking alcohol, illegally, with my friends; to a young adult who loved to socialize, drink, and then drive; to a person in their forties and fifties who felt like a full fledged adult, of which alcohol was an intricate part, and also, entitled to drink whenever the hell I wanted to.

Over the last couple of weeks though, something changed.

My entitlement to having a drink, a couple or more drinks, every night, was because I deserved it. It was mixed in with my not giving a F*+!, about anything, considering the “state of the world”. And with a little bit of “nothing really exists anyway, so what difference does it really make”? I find it funny all of the ways in which my identity around alcohol has tried to be clever to keep me interested. And, it has worked. Until now.

Now, there is something much more primary to me, more than to participate in a ritual behavior, every night, and drop below conscious thought. Alcohol does that, you know. I denied it for a long time, but every drink that I have, drops me further and further into unconsciousness, meaning, I am awake, but not alert and certainly not present or here now with those around me. There is something more primary to me in terms of how I want to feel, as much of my time as I can. Peace. Peace is primary in life for me.

Sure, I can be peaceful as I sip on a bourbon or a glass of wine. I can make my drinking a conscious, present choice. And, when I gave myself that option last week, to just be more present in my deciding, I stopped being interested. Something in me is ready to stop not only condemning myself for drinking alcohol at all, but also ready to say I don’t have to be interested in it anymore. But, it is okay if I am.

I believe that the lessons that we are ready to learn will appear at that proper time. And as many times as I have stopped drinking, drank to sickness or passing out, and everything in between, this time, I know I understand. I understand the lesson and it feels amazing.

Thank you for reading! Peace.

Discouraged.

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This morning, I was feeling something that I would typically referred to as discouragement; feeling like things won’t work out for me and I won’t get what it is that I want. I say typically, because I have made a conscious decision recently to allow myself to feel my feelings, but to not get lost in them.

When I think of being discouraged, it reminds me of the feeling of being in the bottom of a black hole, not able to see a way out. I feel not seen, not heard, and not wanted. And, even though feeling those things is okay, I like to tell the story of my discouragement, to others who will listen. To receive validation and support. And, again, not that it is wrong to do that. Yet, I want to look at this in a different way now. I want to not become the story.

Nature teaches me everything, and teaching me about discouragement is no exception.

If I think of my emotions as clouds, the ones that are typically thought of as “negative”, they would be the dark storm clouds that roll in. And yes, storms do come and some do last; but most storms, at least where I live in the world, come and go. The clouds pass and the sun comes out again.

I am doing my best, to consciously remember that for those moments of feeling discouraged, or what I would usually call discouraged, that the feeling will pass if I allow it to. I allow it to pass by not talking about it, not making it any more real or daunting than it needs to be. I could let it be energy flowing through me, with the knowing that it will pass in time. And, that the storm clouds actually bring rain which we also need in life; suffering helps us to awaken to our true conscious nature more genuinely.

So, I will feel what I feel, let it pass by, and continue to look to nature to teach me everything I need to know.

Create, not build.

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I have been in touch with my creative nature for most of my life. My most favorite ways to create have always been writing and coloring. Most often those experiences would be through some type of practical application, like while I would be with children, or writing as a creative assignment of sorts. As I grew into an adult, the coloring became less frequent, but the writing seemed to evolve into a passion, a need, more than just a creative outlet.

However, since being free from employment for the last couple of months, I have delved deeply into my creative nature, and realizing how essential that it is to my well being. Every day, I am either writing here, or in one of my many journals; working on the outline for an envisioned stage production; cooking cannabis infused treats in my kitchen; or collaging with repurposed paper and other fun items. The results that have been coming out of me just astound me, because they come from my truest nature, my essence, so there are no words for it.

Beyond having the space and time to freely create, when I wish, I also believe this burst of artistic energy is because I have committed to myself that I am, from now on in life, going to focus on the creating, not the building. Whether I am talking about a career, a plan for my health, my relationships, or anything in between, I desire my focus to be as fully as possible in the present, the here and now. When I allow that, I can completely experience life, as it happens, without constantly trying to anticipate how what I am doing now, will benefit me later.

Of course, I am still going to have periods of life when I am going to want to make plans, see how something turns out, anticipate the future. However, there really is no peace in that for me anymore. When I anticipate, I expect things to turn out a certain way. And things, gratefully so, never turn out as I plan on.

So, I am going to create, in all of the colorful ways that I enjoy, and even add in some new ways along the path. Being Here Now is the only path for me.