Everyone now and again, I feel like I lose my way. I forget that I know how to be still, and present, and that there is no urgency in what I do. I get lost in my thoughts and my mind becomes like a runaway train, and I follow it wherever it goes. It is maddening, and it is like an endless pit; there is always more to worry about, focus on and get almost obsessed with. In the midst of it, I don’t see the bigger picture, so even though I am not lost, I feel like I am.
I think the most destructive result of these times, is that I immediately, almost as a reflex, condemn and attack myself. I feel inadequate, incapable and small. I feel like a failure, like I can’t possibly manage the task at hand, or any task for that matter. In the midst of my overwhelm, I shut down and feel like I can’t do anything, and most certainly can’t do it right.
Even though these times, albeit rare, are difficult when I am in them, because of the pain that they seem to elicit, they bring me such great lessons. Just last week, I had a bout of this self doubt, and my wife gently and firmly pointed out to me the misguided way in which I was viewing the situation, and myself. She reminded me that if I was doing something that did not bring me joy, that was not my bliss, fully and completely, then why bother doing it? I mean, I know that we are all called upon to do things in our life that we need to do, even if they aren’t all that fulfilling. But, if we are doing something that is supposed to be fun, supposed to feed our soul and it doesn’t, why are we?
It was just the wake up nudge that I needed, in the situation that I put myself, but also, as an ongoing reminder of how I have been and need to continue to guide my participation in life. My well being, my balance, my peace and presence is far to precious and essential for me to throw away. And, bliss always lives there as well. No matter what task or activity I am involved in, I know that bliss is present if it feels light, fun, and free. If I see myself as perfect, just as I am, without condemnation or demand. Even the most mundane job can feel delightful if I remember to bring my full, unapologetic authentic self to the table.
So, I changed my view. The situation did not change. I did not give up the tasks at hand. I just reminded myself of my true nature. Of what is most important to me. And, what I am not willing to sacrifice, for anything.
My Bliss, my authentic Self, my Being, my Presence and Peace; that will ALWAYS come first.
Pink Haze and the Star Cluster 