Back in January of this year, I got really, really sick. Although I am healthy the vast majority of the time, I get a good, full on illness once every couple of years. I had chronic headache, low energy, and a cough that literally scared people away. It took me a full three weeks to feel back to my baseline. And, I have asthma, so anything that affects my lungs that drastically feels concerning. And, when I do get a virus or flu the last few years, it goes directly to my lungs.
Now, two months ago, I was only vaguely aware of the coronavirus. When I write that, I feel so self centered; because it literally, was not impacting me or those that I care about the most, I didn’t pay much attention to it. I wasn’t aware of the very beginning stages of its impact on China, and Italy. I wasn’t tuned in a bit.
Then, March came. I was more aware of it, especially because of the hard hitting devastation it has had on Italy in particular. And, I felt concerned, because of my lungs, because of my recent illness.
Because, I don’t want to die.
Most people that I talk to now, every day, the topic of the virus starts, or at least at some point, enters our conversation. Whether that is a work call, a friend, a family member, or someone on line. It is everywhere. And, although I don’t watch the news hardly at all, what I read and see is terrifying. I think most of us, worry that it is going to kill us, or someone that we love.
So, a couple of days ago, when over the course of the afternoon, I slowly lost my energy, like a balloon whose air was slowly seeping out, it felt strange. I know my body. I know when something is up with me. And for me to feel fully exhausted at 3:00 PM on a Sunday afternoon, and after a good night’s sleep, was concerning. And, my lungs and chest felt weird. Like a heaviness. No fever. Occasional dizziness. A dry, unproductive cough at times. Headache that was dull and persistent. 
I got scared. I kept thinking, if this is the virus, it will kill me. 
I DON’T WANT TO DIE.
Now, if you have asthma, or you know someone who does, you most likely know that any emotional stress, anxiety, or intense response to something, is going to affect your breathing. It can, in all likelihood, increase already existing symptoms, or bring on a full blown asthma attack. I remember several years ago, having to lay off an employee of mine, for the first time in my career. I had to be driven to the ER because I had my first ever, terrifying, asthma attack. 
So, when we have physical symptoms, and we are also staying in tune with the world, and all that is happening, how do we distinguish, between what could be concerning, and what is our fear taking over?  I couldn’t tell the difference, to be brutally honest, for two full days.  
So, yesterday, I called my health plan. They declined to offer me a COVID-19 test, even though I had some symptoms that could indicate that I had contracted it. I hadn’t knowingly been exposed, and I didn’t have a fever, so instead of testing me, they just advised me how to manage my symptoms, and ordered me an inhaler for the difficulty with my breathing.
And, this morning, I woke up feeling better. I am sure part of the feeling better is the actual medicine that assists with opening up my airways. But, I am also sure that lowering my anxiety by troubleshooting my symptoms, rather than testing me which would have sent me into the crisis zone, was helpful. And, reminding myself to really, deeply breathe.
Throughout all of this, whether I am ever diagnosed with coronavirus or not, all that I can do, beyond the safety measures and social distancing I have been diligent about, is to breathe, and to Be Here Now. All I can do is bring more Breath to my Breaths. Easy? Not always. What I fear the most is death, even after all of the work that I have done to remember that EVERYTHING, including me, is impermanent. Yet, I always can be reminded. And, the reminders, although they can stir up every fear that lies dormant in me, still land in the fertile soil of Presence eventually.
So, no matter what, even in the midst of all that is right now, I can still, gratefully, choose Peace.