Monthly Archives: March 2010

Using a voice of truth.

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Okay, truth. True truth, that is what I am about in this moment.

Not the truth that I have previously spoken to myself. Not the truth that I talk myself into thinking that it really IS the truth. I am talking FULL, OPEN TRUTH.

Shit, that is scary.

Truth in which you are more vulnerable than you have ever been. Truth that speaks from your heart, not your head. Truth that is not logical, it is just factual. Truth that opens you up so widely that it seems that you are transparent.

That is the level of truth that I currently seek, and pursue, at this moment of my life.

I am a deceiver, in some ways. I have made mistakes. I have mistakenly believed that I was speaking my full truth, because I didn’t speak the words that always live in my head. You see, for me, I always thought that if I left things unsaid, and just kept them in my head, eventually they would go away, and would be able to just let them go. Like they never existed.

It reads as almost silly to me, to realize that I have believed that for all of these years. That if words, ideas and thoughts lingered in my head, that I would eventually be able to let them go.

WRONG.

Once I let go of that silly notion, I got down to the business of truly speaking from my heart, by clearing my head. You see, even if we try to ignore that which stays in our head, that which we never speak and try to forget is there, it still doesn’t go away. It still finds its way out through sharp words, sarcasm, resentment and silence.

Four sure ways to destroy intimacy with those around us, not enhance it.

What it has done to me over time is to create me as a Reactor. I would push those thoughts away so much, speaking something different than what I was thinking at times, hoping the thoughts would go away, and just like that, I would react to a situation rather than respond to it. Sharp tone, sharp words, and leaving hurt in my wake.

I have had enough of that stuff. It feels gross. I want something much more from myself, and want something more for myself, and for those around me that I love and care about.

So, truth to me is redefined, shiny and brand new. Truth to me is a big job, a big responsibility for the truth teller. It is not for the faint of heart. You have to be bold; you have to be brave, including when facing up to your own reasons and excuses for not speaking it.

So, in my ever present effort to stay in the moment, to not gravitate from what is going on right now, I am more able to be truthful, to focus on the here and now, and to transform myself from a Reactor to a Responder.

Thoughtful. Prepared. Truthful. Enlightened. Calm. Loving.

This is so who I want to be. And, so I shall be.

Cleaning up the mess.

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Wow, life is surely messy sometimes. We are just going along, minding our own business, not paying attention to the details that need attention, and pretty soon, a small spill turns into a rather large, sticky puddle of goo and mess.

One big YUCK.

Truth is, as yucky, messy and challenging life can be, I like it. I never liked to get dirty or play in the mud as a kid, but as a grown up kid, as a wise woman in the making, the messier my life is, the better.

When I tell you new readers, and my ever faithful readers, that I have been transformed in the last few weeks, you need to know that those words are the understatement of my entire life. Even though I have for much of my life, been a seeker of knowledge, willing to dive in and experience life fully, I really did not anticipate what that REALLY meant.

So, over the weekend, that got tested. I got to really look at, explore and challenge myself on so many levels. To take self-responsibility without being self-depricating. To acknowledge fault without feeling guilt and shame. To accept my consequences with grace and wisdom, and with the understanding that consequences aren’t always self-imposed.

This weekend, while I had my daughter and her friend in the car, after an evening of merriment, I got a ticket. Because I was driving with an expired driver’s license.

YUCK.

I knew the week before that it was expired; I figured out how it got expired, and I immediately set it in motion to get a new one. Through the mail.

While continuing to drive with an expired license.

I don’t think, no wait, I KNOW that it didn’t even occur to me that there was anything wrong with that. I won’t get stopped. I should be able to drive; after all, I am a safe driver. I am responsible. I will have the paper in a few days.

However, one bad brake light later, the police officer didn’t quite see it that way. I had to turn over my information, come clean about the license, and wait.

It was midnight. I had two young kids in the car. I was embarassed, and a bit scared.

I was pissed at myself for it having happened in the first place, trying to realize how it happened without it sounding like an excuse to myself.

So, they had to escort us to a parking lot, where I had to wait until my beloved could come out at 1:00 AM and pick us up. I had to wake her up. I had to be a passenger, not a driver, now until I get my new one.

I had to stop being arrogant, stop being a snotty know it all, and admit that I had screwed up, and I needed others to help me.

I had to get humble, and stop trying to control everything.

Big mess, huh?

Today, three days after the worst part of the icky mess occurred, it feels a bit more manageable. I got a ride to work. I have a ride home. I made amends with my daughter, her friend, and her friend’s dad. I thought about the lessons. I thought about the possible outcomes, and how grateful I am that it didn’t turn out really ugly.

I paid the fine and pled guilty.

Cleaning up our messes. We don’t have to wallow in the mess, just to make ourselves feel like total crap. We can be messy, we can even look for our messes that need cleaning.

Then, with an open heart, with full truth, and with self love and determination, we can clean up, realize that we all make messes, and learn the lessons we need to learn.

To quote a cleaning product commercial:

“Life is messy; clean it up.”

Moving beyond sexual shame

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I am kicking sexual shame to the curb. I am SO done with it.

The more that I look within, the more that I discover how big of a role that shame has played in my life. And, believe me, not with any good results. It had its beginnings in how I was learning about being a sexual person, and proceeded to usurp my own sexual expression right up until this point in my life.

That is, until just a few short weeks ago.

There are aspects of my adolescent and my adult life, aspects that I will not express in detail here, but that were all part of me becoming a multifaceted person, including a sexual person. My development into that person got negatively influenced early on by the workings of shame. Sex is not talked about. Sex is secretive. Sexual feelings are something that we should not feel good about; that they are to be hidden and we shouldn’t talk about them.

I carried that with me throughout my adult life. Sure, I have expressed myself sexually, have had true intimacy with people, however, I don’t know that I ever felt okay about it, certainly didn’t feel like it was a part of my self that I could celebrate and feel connected to in a positive way. Those feelings felt dirty, and I decided not that long ago that I didn’t want to be carrying around that garbage anymore.

I was never abused; this comes from a different place than that. This is not a result of trauma, but rather, the inability to express fully who we are, honestly and without secrets, including our sexual selves. I believe it is probably rather common among those of us that are now adults, however, I don’t want to carry that badge anymore.

I want to express myself, and embrace myself, as a human being with many facets, including a sexual being. I want to express myself honestly, and with full understanding and acceptance that my sexual self is an essential part of me, and one to be celebrated, not hidden.

The scary part about shame, is that it can seep into all other aspects of life, no matter where it begins. It spreads and infects all that it touches, until we are so filled with self doubt that we apologize not just for what we do, but for who we are.

I am walking into the light now, never to wear this shroud of shame again. I feel proud of who I am, proud of all parts of self, and look forward with anticipation of full realization of me and my dreams.

What beauty I see in my mirror today!!!!

Deconstructing the monster

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Truth.

Hey, to be honest, I thought I had a pretty good grip on truth in my life.

Ha! So much for that.

I just came back from one of the most impacting weekends of my entire life.

I spent a total of fourteen hours exploring those areas that are keeping me stuck, leading me to believe that I cannot go forward to my dreams.

I looked within, I cried, I talked, I thought about it until my head hurt.

Then, I spilled out the truth like some bad food; it just poured right out of me, with a bit of self-consciousness, and less shame than I had ever felt.

The constructs upon which I had created my life, at the time made sense, but since then have come to be blockades in my ability to go after my dreams and goals.

I was clinging onto shame like a life raft, and all it was doing was weighing me down below the waves.

I feel like the work that I did last weekend was my beginning of deconstructing the monster that I had created. Not what others had created for me, but the beautiful creature that I crafted myself.

I took little bits and pieces of my life, that I thought would fit into the whole, and over the years, pieced them together until they seemed to craft some semblance of reality. Boy, was I wrong. The lens through which I view the world was accurate about some things. But, in terms of many parts of my life, the lens was so coated with shame, with bad feeling for self, that it was hard to view it as any kind of lesson for me for the future. No lesson that any good came out of, at least.

These two amazing days in February, among 12 others who were telling their own stories, and taking risks, and hoping to emerge more into what it is they are meant to do- those two days forever changed me. They enabled me to pull apart some of the pieces that had misconstrued meanings to them, of my own doing, and helped me to begin to understand how to rewrite some of those chapters.

The rewriting has begun.

The monster that I created, and thought was a reality for my living, is being deconstructed as we speak.

The person that I most want to be is emerging.

I have only forever waiting for me……