Monthly Archives: June 2011

Sharing custody.

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My ex partner and I are both moms to a beautiful 13 year old daughter. She is the joy and light of our lives, and in the process of breaking up, moving out and moving on, we are coparenting as effectively as we can. Our daughter seems to be getting a bit better with each passing day, and we are learning as we go along how much to allow her to guide the process, how much to make the decisions ourselves, and how to best care for her all the time.

However, we also share other “children” between the two of us, and since I was the one of us that left the home that we shared, she has remained behind with most of the family pets. At the time of our breakup, we had two dogs, five cats, two guinea pigs, and a tank full of fish. I was able to bring two cats with me to my new home, but was only able to get one of them to cooperate and want to leave. The rest of the pets have stayed with her.

We have worked together as much as possible, on taking care of the pet’s needs, walking the dogs and caring for the litter box, and other tasks around it. However, she has had the majority of the daily responsibility since she is there in the house. It can be pretty overwhelming.

Two weeks ago, we had to go to have one of our dogs put to sleep. Thankfully, she included me in that ending, which I was so grateful for. I would not have wanted to share that moment with anyone else, and I knew that the grief we both expressed could be fully understood by one another. However, the doggy left behind has been so lonely for her sister. It has been a difficult two weeks.

Today, I got to have her come visit me at my new home. Allowing her to come here has not been an easy decision for my ex, for reasons that only she knows. However, today she wanted me to have her, and it truly was a shared custody experience. She met me and I took her in my car, and off we went. We came to my house, she had some carrots and water to drink, said hi to the cat, and then we went to the park, and she tired herself right out. It felt right, and loving for her to be here with me, and sad for her sister who never got to see my new home.

Breaking up, and relationships ending, has so much pain, anger and sadness in it. There is always reasons to not get along and for the issues to create strain. However, it is comforting and heartening to know that there is a place where we can come together, care for our loved ones, and work as a team. I think it represents a bridge of healing for both of us. At least, it does for me.

I am so afraid to be alone.

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I admit it. Even though I have adamantly denied it, and tried to press on like I was running some type of marathon, I am finally tired.

I am so afraid of being by myself.

I don’t mean afraid of my physical safety in being by myself in my home. I feel pretty physically secure here, envision escape plans in the event of fire or some other disaster, and have good security to keep intruders out.

I am talking emotionally afraid, afraid what it means to be all alone.

Since I came out almost thirty years ago, I have really defined myself, and designed my life, in the context of having an intimate relationship. I have fallen in love with, moved in with, had babies with, a few different women. And, for periods of those relationships, I was quite happy. However, there always seemed to come a point in the relationship, at different times with different people, when I stopped being happy, or at least, stopped denying that I was unhappy. It usually had to do with what the other person was, or was not doing to get me to my happy place. I understand better how selfish, short sighted and unfair that was, to not hold myself accountable in any way. And, I have been trying to clean that up with a few of the women that I have been in relationship with.

Now, much of the time, I feel pretty secure and peaceful about not currently being in a relationship. At those times, I understand that there is much work to be done for me to be ready to be real, my real self, in a relationship.

And, that is partly where the fear comes in. Who in their right mind is going to want me in all of my humanness? Anyone? What if the level of honesty, integrity and communication that I am looking for is too much for someone to handle?

What am I ever going to do without my best friend? I miss her so much. We are coparenting, and doing a pretty good job at it, and our daughter is well taken care of throughout this process. But, I miss my best friend. I miss telling her my fears, my family stories, my work issues or triumphs. And I miss hearing her stories, too.

It really just makes my heart feel so broken to realize what I have lost, what has been left behind in the midst of a broken relationship. I am so aware of the hurt of it, and I don’t like it. AT ALL.

Yet, I know that I need to stay in it, even when I don’t want to, and feel it until it has passed. And then, wake up, enjoy my day, and feel that joy, too. And, be with what feelings come along with this process.

So yes, there is some fear there, uncertainty, nervousness, and so much sadness in the changes that I have made to my life. Yet, in this moment, even in my tears, I am so grateful to FEEL, to be present to what is happening, and to understand that although the ending hurts and is a loss, it is also a new beginning for all of us, to live true lives and to be honest with ourselves.

I know that no matter what happens outside of my universe, I will be well, and taken care of, and loved.

I feel the healing.

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I am working on improving so many of my life areas, and going toward the dream in those areas. However, one way in which I am incredibly sloppy is in the area of sleep. There is some truth to the story, that part my struggle with getting proper sleep is that parts of the night, I don’t sleep well. I either get up to use the bathroom, the cat wakes me up with her purring, or I awaken for other reasons which disrupts my flow of sleep. Like I said, though, this is only part of the story.

The rest of the story is that I am an absolute brat about a bedtime. I am better than I have been in the past, but I like to stay up late, and get up early. Although it is great that I enjoy both ends and beginnings of my day, if I don’t save enough time in between to rest, I am not much fun for the mornings or the nights.

I have been quite busy the last couple of weeks, more than I had been before that. However, if I am truly designing my time, and a life that is my biggest dreams realized, I need to make that design configured so that I get the rest that I need. By the time this week rolled around, I found it difficult to stay awake in the middle of the day. I don’t like that feeling and I know I need to do better.

Last night, I promised myself when I got home from work that I would be in bed, ready for sleep by 11:00. I was in bed, and was focusing on sleeping and fell asleep within minutes. I knew that I wanted to get up early as well, and when I got up at 6:30 this morning, I felt amazing. Not just because I had slept well, even with waking up to pee, mind you, but because I had kept my promise to myself, and felt better physically and mentally because of it.

I truly felt the sensation of healing this morning when I got up. The real rest helped, and it also helped to wake up, knowing that I was in integrity, that I had kept a promise, and because I had, kept many more promises during the day today that I had planned.

My life is growing, changing, and expanding, and I realize the importance of design, intention and promises on healing, and having exactly what I want in my life.

Manifesting

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I have really been busy manifesting this week in my life. There are weeks when I forget just how powerfully the act of manifesting works. Then, I pay attention to it, and magic happens.

First, I manifested money. My money was so tight this week, after a training weekend in NY, and a lot of extra expenses this week. I had some worry and tense moments about taking care of that which I needed to financially. And, I received a check this week for an outstanding class action suit that was resolved.

Magic.

Then, I manifested my body and proper weight range. While in New York, I was less in my routine for exercise and eating what I am accustomed to eating. So, I decided when I got home that I would restrict my points/calories to manifest the weight range that desire. And, I envisioned the number that would be on the scale when I stepped on it this morning. And, it was.

Magic.

I am also manifesting big my relationship with my ex, and our working together for our daughter, and for one another. I have had to acknowledge when I fucked up this week with her, when I got bitchy, when I crossed the lines and violated her privacy and trust. And, it felt so freeing to apologize for that, and to be clean about it. I wanted to go to feeling badly about it, and instead I apologized genuinely and moved forward. I know that we have a long way to go to create a brilliant relationship with one another. I know that I need to create new laws and respect her boundaries and limitations. I know that it isn’t all about me.

Magic.

The magic doesn’t just happen. It happens because I envision what it is that I desire, and then I focus on that. I empower myself to make the changes. I don’t presume that others are going to make the changes for me. I am making the change. I am creating the magic. Me.

I know that no matter what the life of my dreams is up to me. And, I intend on making good on it.