Monthly Archives: October 2019

Haunted.

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I don’t tend to live in the past, but I certainly feel influenced by it at times. Things that have happened to me or those that I love; events that were significant; losses through death or estrangement. It seems that a sting still lives in me around past circumstances that stirred up deep feelings of fear and loss in me.

 

When I was younger, I would acknowledge a loss, such as the death of a loved one, by honoring the anniversary, the year mark of the event itself. By observing it, it seemed to acknowledge the pain of the loss in a way that would bring me comfort, and some form of peace. I don’t recognize anniversaries in any formalized way anymore, but it feels like when a certain time of year comes around, I am taken back to a period of my life that was especially painful and difficult.

 

Three years ago, at this time, it seemed like many aspects of my life were crashing in on me. Relationships with members of my family were deeply strained; my son was in big emotional trouble; and two people that were very important persons in my life, died. I felt like I was in a tornado of emotions, and reeling from all of the chaos and sadness that I seemed to be experiencing. To this day, parts of that time still seem to haunt me, to feel sharp and real and like they just happened yesterday.

 

Then, I gratefully recall all that I was learning then, and have been learning in a more deep way since that time. I remember that the past, and any recollection that I have of it, is simply a memory trace. It does not exist, just as the future does not exist. So, for me to ruminate on events that are long past gone, or worry about how things will unfold at some future time, is futile. In addition to that, doing so does nothing for my Peace within. There is no rest for my soul when I keep reminding myself of things that have already occurred and cannot be undone. 

 

So, I remember compassion. I remember gentleness and love. I remember that to recall is only human; but to tell the story over and over again, in a way to condemn myself or others, or to act out a drama that I can suffer all over again, makes no sense, and is unkind. I remember to remember, without telling the story to myself. I remember to breathe. I remember that as real as it may feel now, it has already happened and is gone. It is as it is. 

 

I get to find my Peace, again and again. 

 

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Take a Breath.

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I know you are tired. I know that you are desperately wanting to get relief from that which is deeply ailing you. I know you are hurting, more than I may even be able to understand. 

 

Sometimes, all you can do, all I can do, all that we can do together, is to just take a breath, right now. Be in this moment. The present moment is all there is.

 

Now, for you to hear that right now may sound pretty hollow. It might sound as if there is no way that I could ever begin to understand what you are going through. And, you are right. There is no way I can deeply understand what your experience is in this moment. And, there is nothing that I can do to help you to feel it less intensely.

 

I can, however, remind you of your true nature. Who you really Are. And, that is so much more than this situation. So much more than what you are feeling right now. You are not going to want to believe me, because you are invested in this right now. And, that is okay. I know that you will remember again what your true essence is. That right now is all there is, and your breath will always guide you back to your Source.

 

You are human. We all are. We all go through what we go through. And, the redemption in the moment is alway, only a breath away.

 

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Spreading the Seeds.

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I am no scholarly expert about The Bible, or Christianity for that matter. I was raised as a Christian most of my life, and heard some stories from the Bible, but could not tell you the difference most of the time, between the Old Testament, New Testament, parable or proverb. It just isn’t something I have been accustomed to. However, there are a few stories that have their origins in the Bible that have stayed with me over the years. I have heard it has quoted by Eckhart Tolle, and the show and movie Godspell, two very dear sources for me.

 

It is the story of the spreading of seeds, and how those that fell upon rock have no soil in which to prosper and sustain, so nothing grows from them. However, the seeds that land upon rich, good soil, get what they need to be nourished, and grow tall and strong. So much speaks to me about that story, parable, or both, that resonates for all steps that I purposely take on Life’s path.

 

For years, I have wanted to see my seeds sprout and prosper in the world; and what that meant was, I would be famous. I would be well known. I would be a bestselling author, speaker, educator, who would be on talk shows, and walking among the people that we see on magazine covers and hear on the radio. My knowledge would be considered so indispensable, that everyone would want to hear about it from me. I would stand out.

 

But, gratefully, somewhere along the line, I learned a couple of valuable lessons, many lessons actually, and they have all come my way through the power and magic of hugs. I have learned so much through simply offering myself to the world and receiving so much more in return. One of the deepest lessons that hugging strangers has taught me is something that I can only describe as a deep, abiding knowing that anything that I put into the world will land precisely where it should. Some would call that faith, trust, or belief. For me, it is deeper than any of that, because it is a certainty.

 

I have sprinkled the seeds of my Being in the world, more authentically than ever, for a few years now. Over that time, I have realized that to want to know the outcome, or more definitively, to base the outcome on my sense of happiness or satisfaction with life, was a dead end. Carrying expectations around and then being constantly disappointed when life, people or circumstances don’t meet my standards was so unloving and futile. Somewhere along the line, I decided I wanted more for myself than that.

 

So, I listened deeply to what I already knew. I surrendered to all that is, as much as possible. And, I started realizing that if I simply shine my light into the world, be myself as I Am, then the seeds of love, presence, joy- they would land in the most fertile soil that I could envision. And, I wouldn’t have to know that it was happening by physical evidence. I simply knew, I know, that all will be precisely as it is meant to be.

 

And, you know what? I am more joyful about Life than I have ever been. I live my most contented moments when I have no expectation at all, simply Being. 

 

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What’s next?

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Hugs. Hugs have become the most consistent and meaningful part of my journeying through Life in the last four years. Hugs have led me on travels all over the United States; introduced to some amazing human beings; and taught me much about myself, about surrender, presence, and opening my arms, literally and figuratively, to all. I am thankful for the path it has created for me every single day.

 

Along the way, I have met so many beautiful humans, whom have felt as called as I, for their own reasons and in their own ways, to connect with others through the power of a hug as well. My friend Edie; friends Tex and Cat; and Brendon to name just a few. Even though most of them I have not yet met in person, their impact on my life, and my deepest learning, does not go unnoticed.

 

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I am blessed. Blessed beyond measure to not only know of and get to experience these beauties; but to also be on a path that feels at times, strange and isolating. The desire to connect, on a real, intimate and deep level, is not the craving of most, at least on the surface. We are all terrified to know and be known by one another. So, to see this willingness is inspiring and creates in me a sense of community. And, sometimes, envy also. To want to be seen as much as they seem to be sometimes. Crazy town in my head, I know. But I get to keep learning.
Then, a mere year ago, I met a person that, on the surface details of life, has so many similarities between her own journey and mine, it is uncanny. She has inspired me, stirred in me feelings of jealousy to have what she seems to have, and today, a strong knowing that we will continue to walk the path together. 

 

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So, what’s next? As much as I want to know, I also understand that the learning for me is not in the knowing, but in the not knowing. My deepest understanding and growth will be when I continue to let go, in every breath, and let all that Is, be as it Is. When I stop projecting into a tomorrow that may never come, about what I most want or what I predict will happen, the more contented and peaceful I will be. There is no knowing what the precise “future” or “outcome” will look like; no matter how clearly I think I have it plotted out. Yet, I know that the groundwork is laid, precisely and purposefully, to unfold into something more brilliant than I could ever imagine in my wildest dreams.
So now, I get to pause, breathe, and take in this moment as it is, as it happens. And see how the rest will be the rest. And it will be AMAZING. 

 

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Even happiness has an opposite.

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I seem to remember that as I was growing up, and making a life for myself, one of my most important goals was that I wanted to be happy. When I was ten, or thirteen, or even twenty and thirty, happiness was a list of certain circumstances or “things” that I would have in my life that would create happiness. A new bicycle. To lose twenty pounds. My first apartment. A meaningful relationship. Giving birth to a child.  To me, each of those experiences, and many more, were on my wish list in order to create a happy life.

 

And, I eventually had each of those things, and then some. Over the years, I have acquired experiences, things, and people that have, I thought, brought some level of happiness to me. Yet, it never seemed to be enough. The bike, the apartment, the relationship- no matter how amazing it was for a time, seemed to bring happiness that was short lived. It always seemed to fade, or at some point, I always was left wanting more. 

 

Fast forward twenty years, and the beginning of my journey to a deeper awareness of what all of this form world means. And, I began to learn about what it was that I was really desiring. I began to understand that I wanted more than just “happiness”.  Happiness, as a state of feeling, is fleeting. It is impermanent. That is because we equate it was circumstances outside of ourselves. And, like most things in this world, happiness has an opposite. Although that new car or new job or new relationship will bring me happiness, as long as I am getting what I want, the eventuality is that I will be unhappy when it no longer seems to do so. Or, I get bored with it and want something else. Something shinier, newer, or more in line with my wants or needs.

 

Gratefully, I learned in the last few years of my life that I wanted to go a bit deeper than the surface nature of the world. I don’t want just happiness, that is fleeting, temporary, and has inherent in it, the opposite state of unhappiness. Within me, there is a desire, a fire burning, that wants to feel a sense of peace, and joy. Peace and joy, which are not feeling states like being happy, but rather states of being, emanate from a deeper place. They are our normal, inherent state of Being that we only have access to if we remain present, aware of the Now, as often as possible. So, I have come to understand that the more that I am here, now, rather than projecting into some future goal to attain something, than I feel at one with everything, and a deeper serenity than I have ever experienced by acquiring something.

 

Because I live in the world, there are constant distractions; always things that seem to be more important than my Peace. And, I keep learning, over and over again, to come back to Now, to cultivate that which is my essential nature, and that will never leave me.

Peace and Joy are my truest aspirations. 

 

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