Tag Archives: letting go

Being Vulnerable.

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I have been maintaining this blog since 2007, and the last time that I wrote about vulnerability was in 2010. Yet, even in rereading that post from long ago, I see all of the areas in which I have continued to expand and learn about vulnerability. In the past, I have always used the words, such as openness, honesty and availability, but not really lived them fully. At the first sign of difficulty or struggle, I would shut off, just like a light switch, or run and hide. I am not certain of the origin of this way to cope, and it doesn’t really matter. But over time, it was no longer even immediately effective and in the long run, did damage to myself and to others.

I am in no way condemning my learning around vulnerability; I am so grateful for every single way in which I have been receiving the lessons around it. And, I love being able to look back at the progress I have made to encourage me to keep opening, bit by bit.

Today, I stand in Life more vulnerable than ever before. I say things that are difficult but necessary; I show up as my authentic self, in all areas of Life most of the time. Yet, I still get scared sometimes. Scared to be rejected, scared to look weird or different, scared to not know what may happen.

Yet, I know that is all part of it. Every thing that happens that feels like pain, or hurt, helps me to learn and to grow. And, reminds me of the fleeting nature of Life, and how being grateful for all that Life brings is what helps me to sustain and to keep my heart open. When I feel pain inside of myself, I do my best to just allow it to be there, without having to blame someone or something for it, or telling the story in my head and to others over and over again. Just let it be, and it passes.

Of course, I will continue to learn what vulnerability really means the more days that I am here. And I look forward to every lesson.

Create, not build.

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I have been in touch with my creative nature for most of my life. My most favorite ways to create have always been writing and coloring. Most often those experiences would be through some type of practical application, like while I would be with children, or writing as a creative assignment of sorts. As I grew into an adult, the coloring became less frequent, but the writing seemed to evolve into a passion, a need, more than just a creative outlet.

However, since being free from employment for the last couple of months, I have delved deeply into my creative nature, and realizing how essential that it is to my well being. Every day, I am either writing here, or in one of my many journals; working on the outline for an envisioned stage production; cooking cannabis infused treats in my kitchen; or collaging with repurposed paper and other fun items. The results that have been coming out of me just astound me, because they come from my truest nature, my essence, so there are no words for it.

Beyond having the space and time to freely create, when I wish, I also believe this burst of artistic energy is because I have committed to myself that I am, from now on in life, going to focus on the creating, not the building. Whether I am talking about a career, a plan for my health, my relationships, or anything in between, I desire my focus to be as fully as possible in the present, the here and now. When I allow that, I can completely experience life, as it happens, without constantly trying to anticipate how what I am doing now, will benefit me later.

Of course, I am still going to have periods of life when I am going to want to make plans, see how something turns out, anticipate the future. However, there really is no peace in that for me anymore. When I anticipate, I expect things to turn out a certain way. And things, gratefully so, never turn out as I plan on.

So, I am going to create, in all of the colorful ways that I enjoy, and even add in some new ways along the path. Being Here Now is the only path for me.

Every thing serves us.

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In addition to my writings here, I also maintain a channel on YouTube called The Simplicity of Peace. It is a space for those are on the same journey to transformation as I am, which means all of us. Feel free to follow me there if you are so inspired. This is my latest reflection.

Above all, I wish you Peace.

Be Here Now, in Gratitude.

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I have just returned from a two week journey that took me a total of more than 3,000 miles. Once again, I feel transformed and ready for the next chapter of life that awaits me.

I call it a journey, because I set an intention when I was planning it. Although I did not spend much time planning what my detailed itinerary would be, or my activities during the trip, I had a deep knowing that the trip itself would be cathartic and clarifying. I had no burdens to process, yet I knew that my next stage of learning awaited. Even with plans and visits with loved ones, there was more space than activity throughout.

My learnings include the continued need to surrender, and trust, that all will be as intended; to allow all of those around me to Be, just as they are; and to appreciate any and all life experiences that come my way. In a few words, it was a constant reminder to Be Here Now, and to do so in Gratitude.

To me, presence is the key to my experiencing joy and peace. To remind myself, throughout my day, that all that is true is Now, I can allow the background of life to fade away and remember what is real, as well as revisiting the deep, abiding peace that is always available to me. Gratitude seems to go hand in hand with presence for me, because when I am right here, right now, I feel a deep, vast appreciation for all that is around me and within me. Gratitude stops feeling like “something to be grateful for”, like a daily list, and more of appreciation for all.

This does not mean that noting what we are grateful for is not worth doing. I have done that for years. However, what works best for me now, as I deepen my practice of Being, is to remember that all that I experience deserves my appreciation. Because even when a circumstance is difficult to manage, the learning which comes from it for me is priceless and will stay with me always, in all ways.

I understand that even though my stories are interesting, and help me to refer to a tapestry that I call my life, I now seek more often, the beauty of the Now, and all that it brings.

That is enough.

No plans.

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“Any special plans today?” my wife asked me at the breakfast table.

“No plans.”

Having no plans got me on a thought train about the form of my life recently. I have left a lifelong career, and a anticipated career as well, in the last five months. Much of that time has felt like one whirlwind after another. And, this is the first time since age 14, that I was not employed.

To actually realize, and say out loud, that I have no plans, is a strange concept for me to adjust to. My whole life has been one plan after another, and never leaving the current situation, until a new one was acquired. That held true for every job I had or career move I made.

In addition, being able to say “no plans” without guilt, was a hard one this morning. Self imposed guilt is, to me, which is all guilt is, the most destructive of human thought patterns. Guilt leaves no room for error, for just being human. It simply serves to destroy any sense of self worth we have.

The guilt that I choose is interwoven with others having to work hard and often to pay for their needs, and with having money saved to be able to have this space of time with no plans. In addition, the biggest source of my self imposed guilt is that if I am not doing something, Who Am I?

Every day I sit quietly more than labor; I create more than hustle; I give myself the space and time to play and remember my innocence. I look forward to being in the work world when it feels like the time to make the move. It will come.

In the meantime, I know who I am more than ever before. And, it is pure bliss.