Alcohol and I have been doing this romantic, entitled, dysfunctional dance for most of my adult life. I have been an adolescent who loved that initiation into drinking alcohol, illegally, with my friends; to a young adult who loved to socialize, drink, and then drive; to a person in their forties and fifties who felt like a full fledged adult, of which alcohol was an intricate part, and also, entitled to drink whenever the hell I wanted to.

Over the last couple of weeks though, something changed.

My entitlement to having a drink, a couple or more drinks, every night, was because I deserved it. It was mixed in with my not giving a F*+!, about anything, considering the “state of the world”. And with a little bit of “nothing really exists anyway, so what difference does it really make”? I find it funny all of the ways in which my identity around alcohol has tried to be clever to keep me interested. And, it has worked. Until now.

Now, there is something much more primary to me, more than to participate in a ritual behavior, every night, and drop below conscious thought. Alcohol does that, you know. I denied it for a long time, but every drink that I have, drops me further and further into unconsciousness, meaning, I am awake, but not alert and certainly not present or here now with those around me. There is something more primary to me in terms of how I want to feel, as much of my time as I can. Peace. Peace is primary in life for me.

Sure, I can be peaceful as I sip on a bourbon or a glass of wine. I can make my drinking a conscious, present choice. And, when I gave myself that option last week, to just be more present in my deciding, I stopped being interested. Something in me is ready to stop not only condemning myself for drinking alcohol at all, but also ready to say I don’t have to be interested in it anymore. But, it is okay if I am.

I believe that the lessons that we are ready to learn will appear at that proper time. And as many times as I have stopped drinking, drank to sickness or passing out, and everything in between, this time, I know I understand. I understand the lesson and it feels amazing.

Thank you for reading! Peace.