Tag Archives: loving myself

You are Love.

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Like all of us humans, I have learned over the course of life in this physical realm what Love “means”. I have been taught that through other humans, television and movies, and writings on the subject. It is mostly focused on in the context of relationships with other people, and over the years that I have been here, I have ingrained within myself certain beliefs about Love, and what it is, and isn’t.

 

And, I am not unique in what I have learned; many of us have learned to believe that Love meant certain things, possessed certain qualities. And, sometimes those beliefs contradict themselves. Loving another person is unconditional; yet loving ourselves means putting conditions and boundaries in place. Love is giving all of oneself to another; yet it also means having balance. Love is romantic, sexy and intimate; yet it also is universal. And within each of these teachings there is an element of truth. And today, I feel like I am closer to understanding the true definition of Love, although I can’t say that I live it all that well some of the time.

 

What I now believe, and am aspiring to live more consistently, is that I Am Love. We All are Love. That is our essence and our true nature. However, we don’t see that in ourselves, or in one another, because of the beliefs that we possess about Love, and what we think it is supposed to look like. We are pretty far away from Love in most circumstances; I know that I am. Love is pure and ever present; yet it is not always visible in the form, looking like what we think Love is supposed to look like. For example, I have believed that to want someone to change was loving, if I believed it was for their own good. But, in the true nature and meaning of Love, wanting someone to change is not Love; it is not Loving.

 

To be pure Love in this realm is a challenge; it always seems there is something more that I want for myself; or something else that I want or need from another person.  Yet, the deeper lesson for me now is how to Love, how to really Love, and mean it. How to fully accept others for who they are, as they are, without expectation or wanting for it to be any different than how it is. To accept circumstances of my life as they are, without waiting for the future to be different or to deliver to me my dreams. To not dwell on the past, and ruminate over how things may have been different. 

 

To be pure Love, to me, means to stop resisting. To see my own, Love nature, and to see yours, as consistently as possible.  To be with my breath, being Present, be here Now. It makes no difference if others decide to see Love in this way; I still get to walk the path as often as I can remember.  Yet, you can walk it with me should you choose to do so, and just do your best.

 

SO, stop resisting. You Are Love. 
PS- We All Are.

 

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The F Word.

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Something really profound happened this weekend. I said the F word.  I said it, without condemning, without being self deprecating. Without drama or fanfare.

 

Just a word.  And, it felt freeing to say it.

 

No attachment. No story. No thought train. 

 

Just a three letter word. (Nope, not the four letter one- although I do say that heartily and often).

 

Fat.

 

I called myself fat, in the context of body size, my body in relation to the size and shape of other bodies. On other humans. I could hardly believe that I had said it. 

 

Said it without having a reaction. Said it without being in tears. Said it without wishing for it to be different. In that moment, I felt my Goddess, Grandma, Round, Soft, Natural and Strong self emerge. 

 

All of the classmates, the partners, the humans who had used that word on my like a weapon. A weapon that I accepted and thought was okay for me to hear. 

 

Just a word. 

 

I realized in that moment, that I am made of soft silk, and a breeze. In that moment, I realized the truth, that words are just words; and they land softly, as if I am not even there to hear them, and then they float away. Just words. 

 

Just words. As if no history existed with it ever at all. 

 

Which, of course, is the ultimate Truth. No history. A memory trace. Not here and Now.

 

In that moment, I realized that there were no more triggering thoughts of attack when I look in the mirror, or put on my clothes, or see my naked body. No more waiting for a different image in order to deeply love myself.

 

It is not, of course, a chorus of angels every time I look, or feel my body in a certain way. However, it is eyes that are more neutral, more detached, eyes that see and accept what Is; without condemnation or longing. Without wishing for it to be different. Just a long, slow sigh of relief for what has been held my whole life, like holding my breath all of those years. An illusion. A false truth.

 

How deep the freedom of the Ultimate Truth. 

 

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Truth and Freedom.

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I love feeling good. I love feeling really, really good. And, over the course of my lifetime, there have been a variety of ways that I have used to feel good. For most of my adult years, I have chosen some form of being altered as a way to feel good. I have chosen alcohol, marijuana, or food, as my most favorite substances to get me to where I thought would bring more fun, more feeling good sensations. And, I would often choose an overabundance of any and all of those ways to feel good, and end up dealing with feelings of guilt, shame, remorse, or physical discomfort. I related feeling even better with being self indulgent.

As I grow as a human, and a spiritual being, things about me are changing, including what feels really good to me. I have noticed over the last couple of months, that as much as I enjoy drinking wine, or having a pot brownie, that I have been desiring them less and less. And, there is two big reasons for this. First, is that I no longer at this point in my life, feel that I need to use something to numb out, or to take the edge off of my life. And, honestly, I have used anything from food to alcohol in the past to have life feel less intense, less painful. Or, more joyful. I was seeking ways to feel less hurt or more of a high.

The second reason that I have been desiring these things less frequently, is that I feel so great without them. I have been on the high of my life very recently. And, it is beyond anything that I could use or put into my body. It is coming from a deeper truth within me than I have ever been in touch with before. I have tapped into my inner self in such a loving way, that it catapults me into bliss almost instantaneously.

This has not always been a smooth road for me. I have been on it before; attempting to love myself from a genuine, authentic space. Loving myself completely and without judgment, as I am and with no expectation to change in order to give myself that love. But, in the past, I have often fallen short, because my love for myself was loaded with strings attached: I would love myself if I behaved, looked, or was a certain way. Different than who I actually was. 

I have entered into a relationship with me, that is truthful and full of love. It has taken literally my entire life to get there. And, it is without barriers to feeling that love, or expectations for me to be or do something different. Of course, I have to tend to it like a beautiful garden, water and fertilize it regularly. Yet, when I do, it blooms over and over again. And, I don’t need to add anything special to it, like a drink, to feel what I feel. 

I have entered the most truthful and free portion of my life yet. And I can barely wait to see what might come next. 

 

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I Am Hopelessly Flawed.

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I have always enjoyed learning something new. And, most recently in my life, I have come to deeply appreciate when I have personal breakthroughs. I have not always appreciated this, because to have a breakthrough to me, meant that I had either hurt someone else, been hating on myself, or learned the lesson through some other difficult or painful means. I now understand that the most painful lessons for me bring the most brilliant recognitions in my life.

I have always sought in my mind to be a perfect human being. I always wanted to look just right; lose the right amount of weight; measure my foods in precisely the right amount per portion. I always wanted to be right on time for work, for play, or for an appointment. I always wanted to know about everything that someone would ask me; I would want to be the expert in any field of study. I wanted to be the best friend, mother, sibling, daughter, and co worker that there ever was.

I guess there is no harm in wanting to be the best at something in life. The problem has been for me, that being the best was an obsession for me. I saw myself as having to be perfect at everything, and when I wasn’t, I would criticize myself, or the situation. It would bring out the darkest, most undesirable parts of me, my traits. 

We all are made up of various traits and characteristics, that make us who we are. The ones that I tend to focus on are the ones that are most appealing: being kind; loving; compassionate; forgiving; patient; open; and honest, for a few examples. Yet, there are other traits that are always present within me that I don’t like to acknowledge live in me. And, when they show up, I get scared. I get defensive. My fists come up. And, I criticize and berate myself for having them appear; it is some of the darkest moments of self loathing for me. So to say that they live in me has been a challenge during most of my life.  Here are a few of my top traits:

I am a know it all. I am controlling about the slightest detail. I am judgmental to anyone who isn’t as “evolved” as I  am. I am arrogant. I am naive, to the point of feeling offended when my illusions are shattered. I am bossy. I am not willing to be a team player. I am dramatic. I am a gossip. I am stubborn about looking at things in news ways. I am unforgiving and resentful. I am selfish about my own needs. And no doubt, there are more that I could list here. 

These traits aren’t always how I am in the world, yet they do live in me. I was recently reading a book by SARK in which she was not only listing her various traits, she was celebrating them!  I was stunned, amazed, and confused. Why would one want to focus on them? Why not focus on the positive parts of ourselves?

I came to understand why a bit more deeply this week. I know that I have these traits that I see as more negative, and I am even pretty savvy at catching them when they pop up in my life and my relationships, at least most of the time. And, I most often choose the more positive, loving traits in my world. But, even if I didn’t choose those more often, I realized, SO WHAT? Really, so what? Loving myself means loving all parts of myself, the parts that I praise and the parts that I loathe. The Light and the Dark; they are all me.

Today, I am renewing my commitment to letting go of perfection and embracing my Perfection as I Am. Even though that may sound like the same idea, with the same word, it is completely different. It is the difference between conditional love, the need to be a certain someone in this world in order to love and honor myself; and Unconditional Love, the loving, honoring, and Celebrating who I Am, in all of my delightful, human ways. It is the difference between living according to our domestication, of how we have been carefully taught; and living in accordance with our true nature, our deepest, most authentic self.

Today, I announce, declare, acknowledge, and Celebrate every aspect of who I Am.

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Love Letter to Myself.

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Dear Vanessa, 

You are Beautiful. You are a radiant Light, and I am so glad that you are finally seeing, and shining that Light fully in the world. Of course, I have known it lived in you all along, but I knew you had to see it for yourself. Now, that you have discovered what was always there, there is no stopping it. Your Light is a beacon, a beam in the darkness when hope seems lost. It is ever present and will never leave you. Welcome to your own Loveliness.

 

You are pure Love. You have known this about yourself in glimpses here and there, yet I sense a major shift in the past months. You now know and understand that pure Love isn’t quantified by how many people you have in your world, in whether or not you are in a romantic relationship, or even if your relationships are going well. Pure Love never ends; it exists and lives within you and pours from you. It needs no reason for existence and it is eternal. You are pure Love.

 

You are Forgiveness in the making. I know that Forgiveness does not always come easily for you, mainly because you struggle with forgiving yourself. You are Perfect as you are, and when you see your own perfection, you are able to see the brilliant perfection in others as well. Forgiveness is easy when we understand that we are not flawed in any way; we are perfect, just as we are. I see you deepening your understanding and acceptance of that, and I see your ability for Forgiveness when you think that you fall short. Keep at it, my Love. It will get easier and easier.

 

You are both Universal and Unique. I know that you have often felt like an oddity in this world, like no one could possibly “get” you. So strange that people were uncomfortable around you. Of course, that was just your story you told yourself, as a way to keep you small and feeling like a victim. You are Unique, beautifully, wonderfully unique, in how you see the world, interact with it, and show your colors to it. And, you are Universal, part of the whole tapestry of this Life force. You are an essential part of it; your uniqueness adds to the radiant beauty of the whole entity. Remember that you are both and keep Being exactly who you are.

 

You are Perfect, Beautiful, Love, Forgiveness, Universal, Unique. You are all of these, and you are Beloved for it. Always remember, in every moment, in every breath that still lives within you, that you are Love, and Loved, beyond any measure.

 

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