Tag Archives: gay marriage

Front seat conversation

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I have a bumper sticker on the back of my car, for months now, that says, “I love love. I support gay marriage.” Simple message, yet loaded at the same time. In all of the months that I have had it on there, I have only seen two other cars with it on; and I have travelled a LOT of miles since that time. Not many persons seem to want to advertise what their thoughts are on this important issue.

However, every time that I get behind the wheel, I am acutely aware of what is on my bumper. And, I consider the car that is travelling behind me. I drive several miles to and from work; I travel from my office to other destinations; I sit in traffic a lot. So, there are many chances for other drivers behind me to get close enough and read the message.

I often wonder, I mean, I ALWAYS wonder, what kind of conversation does this muster in the front seats of the cars that are behind me? I mean, there are times that the driver behind me is alone in the car, and I have seen at least one driver who was actually mouthing the wording of my bumper sticker out loud in her car one day. It was kind of charming. Funny thing is, the sticker is actually “I heart heart. I support gay marriage.” There are two hearts for the words, love, yet, people know that. That day, the woman in the car was mouthing “I love love.” Cool.

When there is a driver and a passenger, or, more than one passenger, in the car behind me, I often am curious about what is being said about the sticker, presuming that they have seen it and read it. My guess is, most drivers that are close enough to my bumper to read it, DO. And, face it, everyone has an opinion about gay marriage. Gay rights. Gay, PERIOD. I wonder if the conversation is one of compassion, anger or hatred. I wonder if there exists understanding, or if the front seat conversation seeks understanding. I wonder if prayers are recited, or vile words are repeated. Or, if a person in a passenger seat heaves a huge sigh of relief, that there are people out in the world who are on their side. It kinda sucks that I have to feel appreciative when people stand up for gay persons, that aren’t gay themselves. Frankly, it doesn’t happen often enough, at least not up to this point.

I was at a holiday event with our daughter over the weekend, here in our little town, at the Fire Hall. A woman sitting next to me, whom I had met through our church, was inquiring as to whether or not I had written a letter to the editor of the local paper the week before, about the Equality March. She was sure that she had recognized my name, and, my town. Yep, I said. That was me.

She spent the next few minutes telling me how much she liked the letter; that she was so glad that someone was talking about it; that she thought it should not be such a big deal if gay persons wanted to marry; what was the harm? Why were so many people against it? I thanked her for her conversation, and her support. It felt so comforting to know, that it had been read, and that people do understand, care, and want justice.

I know, from my front seat to theirs, I have begun a dialogue, albeit silent in some ways; but minds are being at least challenged, ideas are being introduced; people are talking; and maybe, just maybe, the times are a changing.

Living my life, loving my wife

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me and my beloved

 

Some days, I wonder and glow at the idea of how ordinary our un-ordinary life is.  Wait for the smell of the coffee brewing automatically in our kitchen.  Opening up all of our shades and curtains to let in that natural light.  Walking our dogs, feeding our cats, and getting ready to face the work day.

 

Ordinary, in so many ways. 

 

In other words, I am just living my life.  And, loving my wife.

 

I am gay.  There is no doubt about that.  And, I no longer hide in shame from that, although I have in the past, and the hiding seemed like a good, safe idea at the time.  Safe for others maybe, others to not have to face it.  Safer than having to look at myself with loving honesty in the mirror.  But, the shame was devastating,  and I see it slowly destroy the souls of so many that believe that they cannot be out.

 

Being gay is not the only part of me, but it is an ESSENTIAL part of me.  I not only accept it and embrace it, I openly and lovingly CELEBRATE and announce it.  And why not?  Why not rejoice and pay tribute to every wondrous part of my self? 

 

So many persons that I know that are gay, and in various phases of coming out, don’t tell or become more open about it because they don’t believe that it is anyone else’s “business” about who we love.  I disagree.  I want to make my happiness and bliss and love for my beautiful soulmate the story of my life that gets told, not locked away in my heart somewhere.  Love, my friends, is meant to be shared in my way of thinking.

 

So, I am living my life and loving my wife. 

 

And, for those that say that it doesn’t “matter that you are gay; that doesn’t matter to me”; I want you to do better for me than that.  It should matter, because it is as important a part of me as all other wonderful parts:  my gayness.  It is okay to think about it, talk about it, pray about it.  Believe me,  I am totally okay and free and joyous and proud to be every inch, every fiber of who I am.  SO, you can feel really good about it, too.

 

Love me, love my wife.  For, she is my wife in all ways, you know.  Except the license.  But, that will come someday, I know it.  Come over for a barbeque, share our joy, laugh with us, help us when we grieve, join in the dance of life that we dance each and every blessed day.

 

Ordinary, but not.  Perfect.

 

Fear and truth collide

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I am a speaker of truth, no doubt.  That has been years in the making, mind you.  Speaking my mind with certainty and determination.  It is a muscle that needed strengthening over the years, but so far it has served me well. 

 

I ordered some bumper stickers on line to support gay marriage.  The literally say, “I love love.  I support gay marriage.”  Period.  For the words, “love love”, they have two hearts on them.  But, the second sentence is crystal clear, right down to the period, of what the message is on the sticker.  I ordered a bunch of them so that I could give one, or two, to whomever was willing to show their support, be it on a car, window, or anywhere to spread the message.

 

Now, I don’t usually shy away from putting a message out there, not in my recent lifetime anyway.  And, I have really gotten my chops in terms of advocating on behalf of LGBT equality and fairness.  Justice for all.  True knowledge and understanding about who we are.  So, when it came time for me to post mine on my car, I thought that I would be ready, willing, and able, no questions asked.

 

But, I was afraid. 

 

That was new to me, for the first time in a long time.  I think I get slightly nervous at times, when I am preparing to rock my purpose, or do something new, I get nervous about proceeding, but I walk through those nerves and end up having a terrific time.  This was different.  This was fear.

 

Truth and fear on a collision course. 

 

The truth part is the message on the sticker, for sure.  I was clearly and without ambiguity, stating for whomever read that message that I support gay marriage.  Period.  The fear came in thinking about who and under what circumstances that message would be read.  Driving on the highway.  Parked in our driveway.  When my parents come to visit.  In the parking lot at work, at Walmart, at the mall.  This issue can bring out the worst in people. 

 

Now, I do have a rainbow symbol on my car.  It is in the shape of a peace sign.  I also have a mega huge peace sign magnet on my car in tie dye colors.  Those also can elicit some pretty powerful responses.  But, gay marriage seems to up the ante a bit, I think. 

 

So, fear and truth collide, and for a moment, a few moments actually, I listened to the fear, named it, before I put that sticker on my car.  Then, I breathed through it, realized that when I bought that sticker, I knew what the potential repercussions might be, and yet believe that truth is more important than fear. 

 

So, I stuck it on.  And, the sky hasn’t fallen in.  No terrible repercussions.  I actually find myself wishing that someone at a red light might ask me for one, so I carry extras with me at all times.

 

When fear and truth collide, like my example here, which one of them rules will determine the outcome.  If fear rules, and we plague ourselves with what may happen, what could be, we become paralyzed to act.  We put off that which might make us most happy, that which would assist us in rocking our true purpose. 

 

When truth rules, it brings freedom, it brings the feeling for me of dancing in the street freely, singing and laughing and embracing the joy of life.  It means being who we are truly meant and destined to be.  Living out our full purpose and flying all of our colors. 

 

However, the two often collide, and those that oppress and violate actually rely on that collision, because it keeps those whom are oppressed stuck, frozen, feeling unable to act.  It is a powerful weapon to use.

 

I have had the people of Iran on my mind for that last two weeks, and that is where this post title came from originally.  When the elections occurred, with the results that seem that they must not be the true, just results, and people began to fill the streets in protest, I found myself quietly cheering for those citizens, for standing up for truth in an open, brave way.  Then, after the death of Neda, and the proclamation of  the authorities there to arrest, and to persecute those that show their protests, for a few days, protesters did not go into the streets.  My thoughts were that fear overwhelmed them, fear instilled by the government.

 

But, then what happened?  The streets became active once again.  I don’t know what the motivation was, but my belief is that those that wanted to speak the truth, and were afraid for a time, decided that nothing is worth denying the truth for.  NOTHING. 

 

So, those in Iran that are speaking up for truth and justice are heroes to me.  And, I know that when fear and truth continue to collide in my life, truth will always rule.  Even if fear has a foothold for a time.

 

Because, when we live a life in truth, we truly live.

Privilege is privilege, plain and simple

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Privilege is a dangerous concept.  Dangerous in the lack of understanding about it, and dangerous in the fact that a person doesn’t need to exert that privilege. 

HUH????

There are certain aspects of personality and identity that creates possession of a certain privilege.  Based on the color of our skin, we may possess white/caucasian privilege.  Based on our gender, some people possess male privilege.  Based on our sexual orientation, there is heterosexual privilege.  Dependent on our age, there is youth privilege.  Privilege is based solely on our membership in a certain grouping or having a certain aspect of our identity.

Talking about privilege is always elicits a certain emotional response.  Sometimes, it is a positive response, of realization and awareness.  Sometimes, a negative response of defensiveness and hostility, due to feeling accused of exerting influence or privilege.  But, I will say once again, that whether we possess privilege and exert it or not, we possess it, which is the potential problem.

Privilege is a problem in that there is an a perception when a person is a member of a privileged group, that that entitles said person to have a status that is higher or defined as more important than others.   More valued than others.  Privilege is divisive rather than inclusive.

There is such a thing, as mentioned above, as heterosexual privilege.  Many members view others through the lens of heterosexuality being the norm, the way to be, the way that things should be.  So, portrayals of couples, families and individuals on television, in movies, or in magazines and stories are predominantly heterosexual in nature.  There are depictions that are homosexual in nature, but they are far less common, and seen therefore as the exception rather than the rule.   As a result, it becomes more presumed that it is more normal for heterosexuality to exist. 

The privilege comes through the issuing of rights of being a heterosexual person in this society.  As a couple, you can marry one another.  As an individual person, you can speak about your personal relationships, falling in love, and dating, in an open manner and it is encouraged and accepted.  As a married couple, you can file taxes together, be each other’s beneficiary in case of death; have all of the rights of a married couple. 

It is a joy to meet those with privilege, who are willing to acknowledge the fact that they possess such privilege, without defensiveness and hostility.  They open up their own minds to awareness, and therefore, can look at the world through a bit of a different lens; one that keeps that privilege in mind, and is more cognizant of their role in exerting that privilege, and to more actively advocate for those not in the privileged group.

All is not lost, however.  Awareness is the key.  Communication is the key.  Love is the key.  Looking at others through the eyes of love, compassion and understanding.  A willingness to make the changes where they can be made, for equality and compassion and mending the relationships that have been damaged between groups.  Equalizing things a bit.

I was so hopeful earlier this year, when Vermont overwhelming stated that civil unions have worked so well there, without the sky falling in, that full and equal marriage was the next logical step.  The legislature overwhelming approved it, it went through the judiciary committee very successfully, and was sure to be voted in.

Today, the governor of Vermont has vowed to veto it.

Why?  Who knows the real reason.  But, the bottom line is, we as LGBT persons, want the equal rights, want the opportunity to formally acknowledge our relationships so that we can ensure our participation in the equal privilege. 

Hope, hold onto the hope, always the hope. 

My thoughts on equal marriage………..

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Equal marriage. Not gay marriage.  My thoughts are probably fairly predictable for those of you that read me often, and know me in some way. 

What interests me about myself regarding this issue, is my evolving in regard to it over the years.  The thing is, equal marriage was an issue, a topic, a area of discussion and desire, for myself and many of my friends over the years.  This is not a new issue for me, or for many within the community.  Marriage, for many of us, has been a topic that we have considered for ourselves for most of our lives.  I know that I have.  Always wanted to have it for myself, gay or straight. 

I call it equal marriage, not gay marriage, because what it is that I want is not something special, some sort of privilege that is drastically different than the institution of marriage that exists now.  I want the the option of marrying the person that I love more than anyone in the world.  I want the option of scheduling a ceremony, an official, legal ceremony.  Applying for the license.  Hiring a caterer.  Getting pictures taken.  Choosing our attire.  Rings.  Flowers.  Family and friends.  The whole thing.  Whether you call it a right, a privilege, whatever, I feel that we are entitled to it.  We are good citizens, we are peaceful, loving people, we are not criminals or evil in our manner.  We do good in this world. 

I do not believe, as some have stated that are against equal marriage, that to give myself and others the right to marry, then eventually rights of marriage will be requested for polygamists.  That people will want to marry their siblings, their pets.  I guess my response to that is why do we always have to go the route of some logic that really seems silly, and does not make sense?  I am not criticizing those that feel very strongly from a religious point of view, that equal marriage is wrong.  Religiously, I understand why those persons feel the way that they do, I just don’t agree.  But, I am not asking that my church perform my ceremony, although that would be wonderful.  I am asking that the government acknowledge my right to marry in a legal sense. 

What about the idea that our civilization has been built on the institution of marriage between one man and one woman, and has been built strongly and successfully at that?  My right to equal marriage will not negatively impact on that.  One marriage out of two now end in divorce.  The opportunity to have equal marriage as gay couples doesn’t mean EVERY gay couple will run out to get married.  Just as not every heterosexual couple goes out to get married, so would not every gay couple marry.  Some of us want to, however.  To represent the full and permanent commitment we have to one another. 

Yes, some of those that are advocating for the overturning of Prop 8 in California, use means to get their point across that is violent and inappropriate.  Not all of us do that, and I am in no way saying that we should advocate for rights by whatever means necessary.  I absolutely live by and admire a commitment to nonviolence, so any committing of violent acts for our goals are not necessary nor appreciated or supported by me.  We are not the only groups that have used such means, however.  There are some extreme religious groups that go so far as to say that soldiers that are killed in Iraq deserve to die, because they fight for a country, the USA, which allows for gay persons to have rights.  Seriously.  Google Reverend Fred Phelps if you are unaware of what I say here………

As far as the comparison to civil rights, there is no doubt that in some ways, this battle for equal marriage is nothing like the fight for civil rights for black Americans forty years ago.  No, we don’t have to sit in the back of the bus, or drink from an alternate water fountain, or eat at a separate lunch counter.  But, gay persons have been denied housing, jobs, and medical care because of their sexual orientation.  We have been denied membership in churches.  We are denied the right to marry those that we love. 

Sure, we could have rights of visitation in a hospital, property, housing, etc., all through the legal document of power of attorney.  Anyone can have rights to any part of our livelihood if we just secure a legal document.  I want more than that.  I want the fifteen hundred rights that married couples have, that we don’t as a committed lesbian couple.  I envision us growing old together, sharing our retirement together, maybe having our dream orchard and gardens and bed and breakfast one day.  To enjoy and care for each other and be there for each other. 

I want all of that under the protection and commitment of equal marriage.  Just because my picture of my beloved is of the same gender, should not exclude me.  I am not an abomination, I am not a freak, I am a human being, a Christian, a giver, a lover, a fighter, a committed, hard working individual. 

Giving us equal marriage will not rock the world, but it will rock my world…..